eternal's Blog

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08 March today... I somehow wanted to listen to the song by the Nutty Boys *Must Be Love* so I started to go thru the old emails J send me hoping to find the attached song again.  As I was going thru all the mails with attachments... I read thru one of our old mail dated way back mid April 2007.  Yea almost 3 years ago...

It still brings a smile to my face..   How he tells me bout him being a Geordie and not a Scottish...His mum is Irish.. still have nana alive no doubt the health aint that good...etc etc.   When I read further...  I realised my relationship with J did got deeper compare to the time before we started seeing each other.  Those mails are lovely... sweet... memorable...cheeky... funny... curiosity... bubbly ...you named it!! LOL!

I didnt managed to find the song I wanted... not sure where I store it.  He send it to me last year when he was at the park and Nutty boys was singing.  He text saying the minute he heard that song..  He thought bout me. Every girl will be over the moon when the other half said such...  =)  I m no different.

St Paddy's day soon... our 3rd year anniversary together.  How time flies.....

Most of the time our brain and heart doesn't speak to each other as often as we hope they will. Our brain can be telling us he aint the one...but our heart continues to love our man even knowing the love will not be return to us in the same wavelength as we have for him..

It has been 14 days or more since J left for UK and now M.East..   My emotion is still like a rollercoaster.  One minute I will be alright.. and happy he still contact me no doubt there was a 36 hours he did not which got me so worried.  Next minute I will go all teary ...partly because I miss him..partly because...because I love him and wonder if I will ever see him again. 

I am not the type of lady who will just sit by the phone to wait for it to ring..I have my day to day life to run.... just got promoted at work... a daughter to take care of ...and all the usual errands any single mum would need to run BUT... J has a great impact in my life.

Yesterday when we were on skype.. I saw the ring on his finger.. I was sad but I did not voice a single word.  I still remember those days..he never wore it..partially because he is with me..partially because offshore doesn't allow it for safety purpose.  It is so different now..  ='(

I told myself 'Why fix it if it aint broken'..  We are still together from a distance.. he still say I love you.. he still have plans to come back...or I to fly across....and we still speak daily..almost.

I sometimes think back to our days.. How he used to call his wife only once a day..and a few text from his wife..and he will reply but at times just read and keep the phone.  He told me he is trying to avoid it best way he can when he is with me...  Now he is far.. I ask myself will he do the same to me to what he did to his wife?   Like I am always told here in EP.. "if he could do that to the wife...what makes me so sure he won't to me one day'?  This is one of those nightmare that will haunt all T.O.W in the world.. 

Being T.O.W isn't easy especially when you enter the relationship not knowing that your half man will reconcile with the wife.  You enter with hope..you enter with full of love to give ..share...but only to be told that they are slowly getting back into good terms.  All you can do is close your eyes and let him go....as long as he is happy.

I don't know how long will I continue being like this... maybe for as long as I still love him...or for as long as he still wants to continue 'us'....for as long as I still hear him say 'I love you'... 

Deep down I know he loves me... cos a man this far away can always avoid or make all ways to end us..but he did not...he carry on this relationship with plans ...only not the kinda plan that will last happily ever after like couples do.

Will we ever do our DM course together...cos that is his ambition to return ....I honestly can't tell now.. I can only take one day at a time...   to hold him close again...

='(

The fear is finally over.. It is the sadness that I have to endure..like it or not.  Millions tears had fallen since the moment I got J's mail saying he received a notice from the company stating his demobilisation date.  His job here is finally done.. and he is leaving for home..UK.

We are only left with a month or so to be together.. Mid July..he will be back to Newcastle UK. 

The plans to take the Emergency Rescue Course and Rescue Diver will still proceed in first week of June.  J suggested one additional trip together to Sipadan, Mabul and Kapalai in Borneo... One of the most beautiful dive site in the world.

2 years and 3 mths happiness is all God gave me...and now he is taking J away. Sometimes I wonder why God even bother letting me meet him when he is never gonna be mine??  Is this part of the punishment..is he trying to tell me something?? 

I used to tell myself 'Things happened in our life for a reason..and the reason is always for the better'.  I am trying to apply this to my current situation...but my soul seems to have gone for a lonely walk at the beach ....

I been crying myself almost a few times a day..It aint easy putting a brave face on in front of the colleagues who are aware that he is leaving..  One secretary came to me yesterday, pat and rub my back asking 'How are you'?..  I almost break down but instead I answered 'Headache, still have not found a dress for our Annual Dinner this Saturday'..  Thats how I change the topic completely cos I know what she meant but I am not ready to speak to anyone apart from pouring out my feelings in EP..  This is the only site that I write to when I had the first problem with J..and it is now 2 years plus since J and I started ...and soon it is the end.

J hope that I will still be in contact with him...still see him when he settle in his future job. I told him I will fly to see him regardless where he will be as long as this relationship is still alive. He said he will fly me across....that is if I want to..  He told me my life must go on in once he is gone...and he honestly told me, he wish I will not find another one..but again he said it is selfish and will not happen.  He said the only problem he has bout leaving here ..is me.  He could find a job anywhere ..but he can never find another me.

='(

J and I have never been so closed before.. .From beginning of the year 2009 we have been spending so much time on line, phone calls speaking to each other.

Yesterday he said he has a job offer in China...and if this contract here do not continue he would need to take up the job in China...  That itself broke my heart..

I knew he would leave one day ...but I didn't expect it to be so soon.  This Valentines day will be our first one together as last year he was away working... But will it also be our last one too?? ='(

If its really April he will be leaving... I am only left with 2 mths  ...way so short counting the time he will be offshore.

J said the last thing he wants is us being apart.. ='(

I wonder why did God do this to me..  Giving me happiness and then take it all away.. leaving me in tears and back to being alone..

Since beginning of the year...I have been so happy and even started to open up myself ...sharing everything with J...but just as started to feel the love coming... he has to go... 

='((((

J send me a hug thru fb & he wrote as well.  I couldn't bring myself to reply him after the letter I send to him earlier.  He didn't touch bout the disagreement we had when he wrote on fb. Not sure if he has read my mail...

Anyhow, he wished me a nice Christmas etc etc and ended with See you soon .xxxx.  I didn't reply him so next day he wrote again 'You don't want to chat with me anymore?' He thank me for the gift I got him for Christmas.

I replied his mail answering him all his questions.

I have decided not to bring up the topic again if he doesn't want to... My letter to him is clear telling him the reason why I got so upset that nite before he left... 

Its a few days to new year.. I rather not open fb till new year is over as I believe I do not want to get any shit from anyone ..I have enough for this year..

Eternal

4 days had passed and I still have not got thru the pain... 

I dont' understand why this Indian colleague of mine is sending text to my bf wishing he was in town so they could have coffee...  I honestly do not know what is her motive...but to think of it in the worst scenario.. she is a bloody pretender.  I spoke to her ex bf and I was told she did the same to him before...sending text to him when he was then with his wife..

Because of her doing, John thought I dont' trust him ..and he walked off  saying we are finished on the 19th Dec Friday.  On Saturday morning , he send a text saying he just arrived Dubai and do not believe how I can think he has something to do with the Indian lady cos he sees me everytime he is onshore...and nobody else. 

I have to agree that he sees nobody when he is onshore...nobody but me hence my doubts was not in him.. Its HER...why is she doing what she did when she knows that I will be upset..and I mean really upset.

I dunno if John will ever see me again and let me finish off explaining myself cos it was not him I mistrust...its her.  Somehow our loud disagreement on Friday had caused him to get so upset and said we are done.

Its Christmas tomorrow and soon his birthday and then New year... I dunno if I shall leave him a message on facebook to wish him now.....  can someone advise me?

He aint writing nor did he text after he took off from Dubai to Newcastle UK.

I dunno what to do now... No doubt I been told from frens we both knew that John will not just finished off this relationship like this. IF he wants it over... He will not bother to text from Dubai to tell me he is now on transit...  I wish word of wisdom can help me pull thru this...but nobody knows unless John gave me an answer...

What should I do now.. ='(

J is still away offshore .. He still writes..still call .. but somehow I don't feel the same kind of affection somewhere down the line.

Not sure its me being insecure again...or is it him having too much in his head.. 

I hope I can hang in there for as long as I can.. Once a while I really feel like saying 'Good-bye to him'..no doubt I know its not what I want and it will hurt terribly..

J will be back on the 18/19th Dec before he takes off to UK for Christmas.  I know there is where he belong... 

I know some of you who read this will be thinking I am being a stupid cow remaining vulnerable like this... but when we love someone..we tend to give in..we tend to be blind..

Really dunno whats gonna happened next..

I received my first BCD from J ..a Christmas gift.

For those who dont' dive.. BCD (Buoyancy Control Device) is what we need to control buoyancy when we dive in the sea.

I am very touched to be honest as I didnt' expect him to buy me a gift since I dont' celebrate Christmas like he does. =)

Anyway, I am waiting for him with anticipation for him to do his first confined pool session. Yes, he is learning diving as well..something he wants to do since young but because of his perforated ear drums..he always assumed he cant but lately 2 docs had confirmed that he can dive!  Thats a very good news for him.

For me, I hope to do a least a few dives with him..another for my memory album before we bit goodbye when the day comes.  I guess for whoever who read this must be wondering why do I always carry the feeling of him leaving me...Well how can I not be when I am the other woman.  I have never stop loving him but same time I know the day will soon come for me to say goodbye to him once his job here is done...  Be it in real life at work or what I used to read 'Everyone came into our live for a reason and when his job is done..he will leave.'...

Anyhow, I am still in love and still want to cherish our time together..

I wrote this poem for J.  After reading, he love it very much..and I am proud cos its my first poem to him.

Pretty calm these two days.. Even went wakeboarding with friends during the weekend.  Got a call from J the day before yesterday so I told him all about my attempt to stand on the board and enjoyed the great fun of being in the water again.  We chatted for quite a while and he told me bout his kitchen renovation back in the UK.  I somehow could feel he has indeed change a little since his July trip back from the UK. He has become warmer, more caring about me..& we have grown closer than before.  

Before we hung up...he said he called just to hear my voice ...and of course deep down I felt touched..  Its nice to hear such from someone you love...

Only a couple of days to go till he comes back to town ... It would be nice to hug him again and holding hands everywhere we go.

Like I kept reminding myself..>Cherish our time together for as long as I can...

Ending this verse with a smile...'cest la vie'.

Got a few texts from J last evening.. Staring off with 'Thinking about you babe..What are you doing now?  We text each other chatting away...telling him I will give him a full oil body massage when he comes back.. He replied 'On my way now'...hahah.  I said buzz me when you arrive...  He said 'I wish..xxxx. 

Its nice to always hear from the one you love...and being told he is thinking/missing you..  Makes us feel wanted...thought off..

Still another week to go till I get to see him... 

I hope this doubt in me bout J will soon go away...cos I am left with very little time to be with him.. 

Gosh..its so unfair..loving someone that I know I will lose one day... ='(

Taking half a day off today from work... Need a break from all these thots...  I still miss J...wish I could hear his voice now...and wanted to just write him a mail to tell him I miss him... but with this disturb thots in me...I would rather lie low and away from all until I am ready and back to my normal self.. 

Still trying to figure out what feeling i have deep inside me that makes me feel so 'insecure' and 'threatened'..   Wish he could hug me and tell me everything is okay...

I got a mail from my bf asking me What is FB and what is EP..  Why am I away so long..

I didn't answer him.. ..I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I am not crazy or whatsoever but I do feel lonely... As if my soul is trying to reach for something out there...  but WHAT ..what am I trying to reach??

Honestly dunno and I just want to be away from everyone at the moment...

Wish I can give myself an answer why am I feeling so low ...